A Graph to Explain this Phenomenon

I made this venn diagram. Yes, that's right, you heard me.  I MADE this. It's important that I be able to properly explain where my cat sleeps so that I can properly explain why it's a problem. 

Circle one: There are a number of places my cat could sleep. In his kitty bed, for instance. In the sink. On the top shelf of the bookshelf. Dining chairs. The floor. The sofa. My forehead.

Circle two: There are a number of places, where, when an object is placed in that location, results in my not being able to move.

Where they overlap: There are all these places for my cat to choose from. Some of these places hinder my movement. My cat - somehow - chooses ONLY places to sleep that hinder my movement.

For example:

• Directly on top of my chest as I am laying on my back. Yeah, I can move my legs, but where do my legs think they're going without my torso?
• Directly on my forehead as I am laying on my back. Sometimes across my face, which leads me, like Matthew Inman, to suspect intention of murder. 
• Directly behind my legs if I'm sleeping on my side. This allows me to only move forward. Into the wall. 
• Directly in the triangle created by my one raised leg if I'm sleeping in the flamingo position. In order to move, I have to struggle my way up the bed, shimmy my leg under the covers but around the cat, get both legs on the same side, and scoot out from under the covers.

My life is so hard. The hardest. I mean, seriously, how can I cope with this? Look at what I'm dealing with:

Yeah. Exactly.

Humor and Size

I was at work today, at the bookstore. My friend Andie told me that I had to read this book called "Thirteen Reasons Why". The premise of the book is pretty sad, so I won't go into it, because I'm writing about humor, not sadness, I mean come on.
Anyway, there's a character named Hannah, and she's talking about a dream she had where she has oversize feet and someone else has really tiny, almost nonexistent feet. Obviously I was picturing this in my mind, and was, in turn, amused, and then horrified.
Big feet? Hilarious! Why are those feet so big? Ha! They are so unwieldy!
But small feet...oh...why are they so...oh, oh dear god, where are your feet? OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHERE ARE YOUR FEET?
See? Two totally different reactions.
So this made me start thinking about humor in relation to sizes of body parts. I am not trying to be dirty, let me just stress that right now.
Oversize body parts are funny!
Oversize heads! Look at them! They look like butts from behind!

Oversized noses! Always getting into trouble!

Oversize eyes? We got those too! They are the cutest!

Oversize hands? Oh, it's just too good when someone's hands are too big:

Classic big hands here.
Oversize everything:


But...
When body parts are too small, they are creepy, like Denise's hands here:


And as for Voldemort, I have just one question: where, oh where, is your nose?
Movie Videos & Movie Scenes at MOVIECLIPS.com



And now, for some significant exceptions!

Lady Gaga's eyes are huge in parts of this music video, but the result inspires nightmares rather than hilarity:


And this poor T-Rex has a big head, and little arms- the curse of all T-Rexes. But it's hilarious, not creepy!



You're welcome, world.

Valley of the Uncanny Robots!

This company sells realistic masks modeled after your face. So you can finally see what you look like? (read post here)

Which totally reminds me of that one scene in Mission Impossible 2. You know what I mean!

Next we have a robot singer/dancer. Strangely enough, the weirdest part of this video was when I realized that the back-up dancers are NOT robots. Oops.



Last, but oh god not least, is a glimpse of what will soon be replacing meat puppets:

Strange Encounters

I've had the weirdest encounters lately. Here are a few:

1. The Somalian Cabbie.
It was late. I was tired. I was in downtown Boston and my car was in Brighton. I tried hailing a cab, feeling like a hooker. The most modestly dressed hooker in the world. No cabs stopped. (Maybe my pants weren't short enough?)
Then there was no traffic at all and I started panicking.
After a few minutes, a cab stopped at the light near me. The driver flicked the lights. I nodded, slowly, so that if he was asking if I needed a cab then it would look like I was saying yes, and if the lights had nothing to do with me, then hey, why can't I nod my head? Maybe I'm stretching it, you know?
The lights were for me. I got in the cab and started a conversation with the driver. We talked about Boston. I talked about Pennsylvania and the woods and farms there. He talked about Somalia and the warm Indian Ocean, and his boat and wife. And how he met U2 while in Africa. And became buddies with Bono. And went to their show. And also met Sean Penn.

2. The Man in the Subway.
He looked totally normal. Until he leaned over to me and said either "Me too," or "I need you". I walked even faster than I already was.

3. The Bum on the Street.
"Hey-hey-hey!" he called as Rob and I walked by. "What a good-looking couple!". Rob looked around, mock-confused.

4. The Woman on the Plane.
I let her know that I needed to get to my seat on the inside. She begrudgingly let me know that some of the seats toward the front probably wouldn't fill up. I told her that I'd check it out. By that, I guess I really meant that I'd fall asleep and then jerk awake and hit her a little with my elbow, probably annoying her even more. She could have moved to the front at any point, but didn't. It's probably because I smell so good.

5. The Socially Unaware Guy on the Bus
"Movin' through!" he called as he worked his way into the bus. "You don't all gotta stand there, packed like sardines. Man." There was plenty of space in the front of the bus, but he felt the need to go through the entire crowd, sit down somewhere in the back, and start singing to himself in an off-key kind of way.

I've also picked up the habit of yelling at cars when they honk egregiously, which, in Boston, is kind of a lot. I will be standing on a corner watching traffic, and one car will honk like another car tried to kill him, even though I was watching and nothing actually happened. Usually at that point I will yell "THAT WAS UNNECESSARY." It sounds funny now, but someday I'm going to yell that, and the angry car will be stopped at a light and hear me, and whoever is in there might honk at ME then, or even chase me. That's when I plan to say "WhoopWhoopWhoopWhoop!" a la the Three Stooges and get outta there.

Uncanny Valley: Dancing Dog

So my friend Rob has commented multiple times that he feels that Labradoodles (lab/poodle dog mixes) bear an uncanny resemblance to a person in a dog costume. This always cracked me up, because Labradoodles do indeed have a big old muppety goofiness about them.

With this in mind, I happened to find a video of a dog dancing the merengue. This sounds cute until you see the dog and realize that it dances better than you or I can or ever will. I started to freak out a little as I realized that as much as Rob and I joke about Labradoodles being people in dog costumes, the dancing dog really does look like a person is inside there somewhere. Or maybe the wagging tail gives it away and it really is just a dog. Or maybe it's a robot?

Tuna Friends

So we have two cats in our household, Marley (my cat) and Ollie (Kris's cat). Sometimes they get along, sometimes they try to punch each other in the face, sometimes they try to eat the other's food, and sometimes...just sometimes...a miracle happens and they become what I like to call "Tuna Friends".
This happens maybe once a month when one of us is making something with tuna, and we give a little to the cats. Suddenly, all of their past conflicts are set aside and both cats are completely ok with being right next to each other because there's TUNA. The tuna allows them to be friends for the scant few minutes it takes to eat it. Their faces can touch. Their whiskers intermingle. There are no claws involved. Ahhh, to be tuna friends!

After that it goes back to the usual semi-growling and half-hearted chasing. Oh cats.

Uncanny Valley: Handsome Guy Mask

As many of you probably know, something I find really interesting is the uncanny valley. After I learned about it, I started spotting items that fall into said valley more and more often. 

One great example is this special effects mask, demonstrated below.

Imagine if you saw someone wearing that in public. You would probably notice that something was off, right? Would you know what was off, exactly? I'm not sure that I would, but I would be creeped out. It reminds me of the time I was in the Milwaukee Art Museum and finally realized that the cleaning guy in the corner was not in fact real and was actually an exhibit. My mind exploded a little bit because I'd really, really like to think I can tell the difference between things that are living and things that are not, but sometimes I can't. 

Oh jesus...what if nothing is real??!